Towards the end of nearly every session I ask my clients how they are doing on self-care. The question seems very gimmicky at first glance and often earns me eye rolls. Self-care has become a buzz word for internet influencers and pop psychology tiktoks. The term can bring up images of doing Yoga in a clean well appointed room, getting a full mani-pedi, or taking a vacation to some amazing place. But honestly, who has time and money to do all of that all the time? Self-care is something we need to prioritize on the daily. It can also lead to seeing self-care as something more grandiose than it is. It can seem like another unattainable goal that brings us more feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness.
The truth is self-care is any activity or action that helps us manage our mental health on any given day. This morning my self-care is not doing the dishes or laundry and instead enjoying a large cup of coffee in the back yard while my 2 year old climbs all over me and brings me flowers and neat stones. I am relaxing despite the fact that my house is an absolute disaster. I recognized that my need to build connection with my son and be out in nature outweighs the responsibilities of managing the housework. Other days doing the dishes or laundry is what needs to be done. It depends what the priority is at the moment.
Self-care isn’t always pleasant; mammograms, colonoscopies, dental work are all examples of very important self-care tasks. Some of us will put these things off because they are stressful and unpleasant. Or we might prioritize the health needs of our family members before ourselves. I’ve even known people who have put off life saving treatments so they don’t inconvenience their employer. It can be difficult to prioritize our own wellness and it is easy to confuse doing so with being selfish.
We are also likely to avoid doing simple things like drinking water or eating fresh cooked meals. We can create a perspective of reality that has us believing we don’t have time to care for ourselves. Leading us to live a life filled with rushed meals and lacking in recuperation and connectivity. These beliefs can be encouraged by social and financial expectations in a culture that focuses on “the bottom line”. A culture that has us competing for who is the hardest worker, the most burdened, and the most stressed. As if the profitability of our efforts and our busyness is the only source of value we have. In such a culture, prioritizing self-care can be a radical act of rebellion.
Confusing our value as a human being with how much we earn and how busy we are is dangerous for our mental health. It can leave us feeling like rest is a reward instead of a mandatory part of a well balanced and healthy life. It’s imperative to understand that we need to prioritize down time, stillness, and play in our adult lives. That ensuring our favorite pair of pajamas are clean can be a vital part of maintaining our sanity when we are in high stress circumstances.
I recommend taking some time to list the things that help you feel refueled, recuperated, and reconnected. Make sure you include the small things that you can do for yourself and your hobbies or interests.
Here are some questions to help get you thinking:
Do you like nature?
Are you interested in learning a new skill?
Do you prefer to have a certain type of creamer in your coffee?
What’s your favorite dinner?
What is your favorite time of day to sit outside?
Do you like paint?
What kind of books do you enjoy?
What was your favorite game to play when you were 10?
What are the top 5 tasks you need to manage your physical health?
Who are the people in your life who fill your cup up?
